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My skin doesn’t look right if it isn’t torn to shreds… 

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Scars ~ auf We Heart It - http://weheartit.com/entry/125268704
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Tumblr Themes Withdrawal…

I’m slipping. 

Withdrawing from medicine is terrifying… It’s like: you know what having a foundation feels like because of the meds, so when you fall… you can see yourself falling, drowning… but yet can do nothing about it. 

Tumblr Themes Topamax and Effexor withdrawal…

My prescription ended (with no refills) last Friday and the earliest appointment I could get is for this coming Friday. (I made the appointment 3 weeks ago).

So far the main symptoms I’ve noticed are:

  • Dizziness 
  • Headaches
  • Confusion (and poor comprehension skills) 
  • Mild Disorientation 

Has anyone ever had withdrawal symptoms from either Topamax or Effexor? What were they like? Is there anything that can help?

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I’m a cutter… albeit, in recovery, but none the less - still a cutter. 
I live in Florida. It’s hot. Very hot. 
I decided to wear sleeveless shirts. 

No matter how much I prepared myself… 

I still freeze in fear when the first thing a person notices -
…when I watch their eyes look directly at my scars. 

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I love this.
Tumblr Themes Same BPD, Different Drugs

So I went to see my new doctor today and she prescribed me these meds for my borderline personality disorder/clinical depression/severe anxiety disorder.

  • Effexor 75mg/day
  • Topamax 100mg/day

She said we may need to up the dosage next month… yay -_-. I figured since I’ve heard a lot of negative side effects of these medications I’d give you guys a daily update on how I feel. 

I took my first dose this morning around 9am and right now I feel pretty tired/foggy. I feel like I’m doing things a little slower than usual and it feels like time is going by way quicker than it actually is (it’s 12pm now and I thought it was like… 6pm). 

So yeah… Have any of you been on Effexor or Topamax? What were your side effects if any; and how did you like the medication overall?

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Anonymous asked: I'm about to relapse and I can feel it and it's bad.

It’s okay, just try to breathe and remember why you want to recover. Remind yourself that you’re worth more that another mark on your skin! I want to you get out a piece of paper and write at least one thing you like about yourself. It could be your handwriting, your hair, that you’re a good listener, - anything! Write one thing that you like about yourself. 

Now clutch that paper tight to your fucking chest and breathe knowing that you do this one thing the absolute best you can. You are the only person with this one thing written down - no one else shares your talent, features, or aspects. Keep holding on to that paper, that one thing that you love about yourself, and remind yourself that you love you. You don’t want to hurt something(someone) you love right? Well then apply that to yourself! Love yourself enough to keep yourself safe. 

I hope this helps some! I care about you so much and I’ve been where you are so many times. I’m not even fully over that hill in my life yet - but it’s people like you , people who aren’t afraid to reach out for help - that gives me purpose in life.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

With love,

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Anonymous asked: You have helped me through a lot.... You pretty much saved my life a couple times. I wanted to say thank you I really appreciate it very much. I just need to ask how do I stay on the road to recovery?

Aww, I’m so happy I could help you through those times! I’m really proud of you as well for staying strong - I know how hard life can kick you when your down. 

Staying on that road to recovery is pretty tough… I think first it’s best to understand that it’s not really a road - it’s more of a direction (North, South, East, West… so to speak). Recovery at times can be messy and we may relapse or fall - but getting up and facing forward is key! What’s most important is to let yourself take whatever time you need to take! Everyone’s journey is different and there is NO set way or time limit that you need to follow. As long as you’re facing that one direction at the end of the day - as long as you know you can at least take one step - then you’re still recovering. I can’t count the number of times I’ve relapsed, hell I still relapse even now. But I can tell you that each time I did, I tried to remember my long term goal - I want walk this damn journey. I want to witness every mile, every hill, every smooth countryside, each scary new place, all of it! I want to see it all! It’s hard to remind ourselves that our lives are worth something. -Believe me, I know. But once you realize that you’re human - that you deserve a life - that you deserve your life, and how you want to live it… I promise you it’s the most refreshing feeling of relief out there.

In short, just keep moving forward. If you fall - that’s okay, just try to pick yourself up or ask for help (there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that). Just keep your heart set on recovering and knowing that in time, you’ll realize that it’s worth it. You’ll finally realize, "Goddamn… I’m fucking alive!.” and it will be amazing. 

Thank you so much for your kind words. As always, message me if ever you need anything, okay? 

With love,

Tumblr Themes Fraud

Do not take me as I come-
I am not my facade. 
I do not have reliable shoulders,
In which you can rest upon. 

Do not trust my caring eyes-
I am not my facade.
In an instant they can change,
As their gaze shifts abroad.

Do not take me as I come-
I am not my facade.
I am not who I may seem.
I am only but a fraud. 


Tumblr Themes So…

why is my classmate able to walk into class and say, “Sorry I missed last week! That cold I had just kicked my butt!” and the professor asks, “Oh, are you doing well now? Glad to see you’re back.” 

yet when I come into class and I gather up the courage to take the professor aside and say, “Um… sorry I missed class last week.. I was having a really rough time with my depression.” and the professor says, “Well you know how important college is so make sure it doesn’t happen again.”


Tumblr Themes I’ve realized something.

I’m not the main character in this story… I’m not the star of the show, or even the supporting cast. I’m not able to reach the top - I have no ambition to. Life isn’t going to wait for me. Time moves on, days get shorter, and everything’s the same in the end. I have no passion, or dreams, or goals. Everything is just as it is. 
I’ve accepted this.
I’m accepting this.

I have to accept this….

…No matter how fucking painful it is to do.